G R I E F
So many things happen with grief.
You question mortality yet want to live on the edge.
You eat what you want, then worry about what you eat.
You want to live like there is no tomorrow, but worry about to tomorrow.
You don’t care about things vs. you do care about things.
Grief can take you to so many dark places and combined with other circumstances of life (for me that’s menopause). It can manifest in all parts of your life and body. It has been a journey back to myself with a lot of ebb+flow. Trusting the universe can be hard when you are heartbroken, have so much worry and sometimes the only achievement of the day was to get out of bed. Struggling with all the midlife changes, hormonal imbalances and grief has been a hard challenge for me. I have tried many things hoping it would remedy it and make it go away but alas …. You must feel your way through, and you must rest.
The stages of grief that come are in waves and not in order and sometimes you may be feeling more than one stage at a time. Sometimes it will bring up older grief that you thought you had dealt with. I felt overwhelmed yesterday and cried… realizing just how much I miss talking to my father and hearing my friend Louise say “Bonjour Madam” when she would walk through the door. I lit a candle … cried and let it out. Sometimes we feel we are not allowed to do this because time has passed, and we should be passed it. I am eternally grateful for these two and the time I had them in my life but honestly … I just really miss them both so much.
For me, these last 2 years, self-care and sitting with myself was so difficult because … quite honestly, I felt a bit lost… well, really lost. I couldn’t find my way to my mat like I did in the past and could barely attend meditation. I felt like all the work I had done was gone and the deep sorrow I was in was so heavy and sticky I would not be able to get “unstuck” I wasn’t happy with my job, my home, myself. I wanted to run away. I felt I had lost most of my purpose and that scared me…. frightened me. The one thing I did make it to each week was therapy and the girls night we have. That was my new mat. And it carried me through so I could get to my mat again.
So here I am… ready to begin again.
To everyone around me that did not throw the baby out with the bath water even though you saw my fire turn to a spark… thank you. I appreciate you. I am grateful to you. Thank you for loving me in all my phases. Thank you for holding and continuing to hold space. I am a lucky one to be surrounded by people who look within, have compassion, truly listened—and heard me, do not let my mistakes define me and allow me to rise in integrity knowing that I will always continue to rise… because I am a phoenix. Ever changing and evolving into a magnificent being that I am meant to be.
I want you to be everything that’s you, deep at the center of your being.
Be thankful. Be kind. Be open, honest, and always, always BE YOU; BE ALL of YOU. – #Chelz 🍂🍁🍃
{ 💫 B E 💜 M A G I C 🦄 💫 }
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📸: Alex Hamer Photo IG: @alexhamerphoto
