It’s easy to stay in a place of fear, pain and hate the world for the experiences we have been through, right? Locked down, don’t let anyone in… I’ve been hurt.. f*ck that.
I have several reasons to keep going, to keep healing, explore my journey of this life, cracking open my heart… but my main reason… is my kids.
My kids and I have experienced heartbreak, disappointment, trauma, and more on a deep level and my divorce was messy. There is no reason to re-live it here… I just know that my parenting will never stop, no matter how old they are. Shutting myself off is not doing myself or my kids any good. Some moments and some days are harder than others but over all I want them to see my healing and have a healing journey for themselves. This means having the hard conversations, being present to hear things that hurt them, hear things that hurt my heart, giving space to recognize and navigate, and to practice active listening. It will evolve and I will be present for that also. This also means I need to show up for myself in all the ways that can be healing and can carry some disappointment… and that’s scary as f*ck. Loving myself has not always been easy and I am still learning.
In my humble opinion: practicing and modeling self care, boundaries and opening my heart even when it feels scary is vital for them to see. It is important for them to know there is more out there past heartbreak, disappointment, let downs, and navigating the healing of traumatic experiences. That building and rebuilding may be messy but worth it. Is healing easy? No… not at all. It’s messy filled with emotions, self examination, learning to give yourself grace, knowing that you know better now, creating new habits, baby steps, apologies, embracing your quirks that you were once shamed for … and acceptance.
My hopes and dreams for my kids are to experience healing, joy, happiness, compassion, self love and soulmate level love. I want them to brave the waters and have a full life filled with what makes them truly happy and to be able to navigate troubled waters knowing they can handle the ebb and flow. To know they have a solid foundation with me and that they can depend on me emotionally to show up for them in good and bad times even if I have to stay silent while they navigate. I want my kids to know and see that shutting themselves off or down will not fulfill them.
Showing my kids my healing path and that they can heal in their own way and their own time is my priority. Wanting them to see healthy relationships, hear healthy relationship talk, not be afraid to have the hard conversations with their beloved, friends and family so they can learn to have a loving relationship with themselves and others. That being in a loving relationship is not supposed to be hard or hurtful, its being seen and heard, having the hard conversations so they do not disregard themselves, learning that it is okay to love from a distance if they need that, learning their own internal needs and not choosing to disregard them because I disregarded my own once upon a time.
And that requires me to show up for myself, create a self love practice, open and keeping my heart open, learn to trust myself again, and still lead but in a different role… a role I am lucky enough to be chosen for. I love myself and my kids for life + beyond.
To each one of my kids: I love you. I love ALL of you and I will forever be in your corner + your biggest cheerleader.
#mommaMichele #MommaChel #iloveyouforeverandever